If you've ever met me, chances are I was smiling and happy to see you. If you've known me for any
amount of time, you'll probably agree that this is my usual state of being. I'm
known for being positive and happy. In junior high, one of my teachers even
referred to me as "smiley".
It's real and I'm not faking, but it's not always easy
either.
Ever since high school, I've been struggling with a variety
of health issues. I went from a very
involved athlete (track and field including long jump, triple jump, sprint
& long distance running, lacrosse, hockey, basketball, soccer,
volleyball...) wanting to try every
sport I could and joining whatever teams time would allow, to not being able to
get through a day without some sort of pain and sleeping 23hr/day on the
weekends.
Even when I was struggling most, I managed to always stay
positive.
Now that I'm well past high school and 45 is in the rearview (What?!) my struggles have only worsened, more diagnoses of various conditions
including several auto-immune issues, and a definite increase in daily pain.
My knees ache all the time with punctuations of acute
stabbing and ripping pains. Headaches are the normal for me. My back, legs, hips, shoulders,
feet, and hands are constantly sore. Some days I can't move my hands (bend my
wrist or fingers) and my grip strength is non-existent. My shoulders have
seized up on several occasions, where I can't lift my arms more than a foot
without searing pain. The joints and muscles in my feet can hurt so much that each
step I take is excruciating.
I don't play hockey or volleyball anymore and running is out
of the questions.
The medications I've been on haven't been a breeze either;
side effects including stomach & digestive issues, appetite and weigh problems,
nausea, hallucinations, dry mouth, grogginess and brain fog, to name but a few.
...and yet...
Every day I get up and go to work, or visit family & friends,
or go shopping, or any number of activities.
I smile and laugh every day. I offer kindness to others and
I try not to judge anyone.
I volunteer with the community and charities and I do what I
can to bring hope and joy to others.
Everyone deals with their struggles differently, and we all
have different kinds of struggles.
I'm lucky to have always had a positive outlook. I think
it has helped me make it through each day, and trust me, there were days I
could have easily given up.
I have no romantic notions that my life will one day turn
into a fairytale, with no pain, no worries and only the best people around me,
but I do have hope for joy. Not that it will magically happen, so I look for
it, and I usually find it.
It's not all me, either. I have great friends and a
wonderful family. They support me, emotionally and otherwise. They don't make
me feel inadequate. They accept me for who I am on any given day and they
encourage me to do what I can without judgment.
Not everyone is as understanding or respectful. Not everyone
gets it.
Now, this year, today (Jan. 9th 2017), this moment, I am
tired. I hurt and I'm worn out. I think I may even be coming down with a cold
or flu or some other seasonal sickness. If I meet you today, or a day like it, I'll probably still
smile, but it will be harder for me. I'll want to hear about you and what you're
doing and why, but I may not have the energy to pay attention. It's tough and might be frustrating for us
both.
I may not look it, but I'm struggling. Everyday I'm
struggling. More than you may ever know.
And I'm not the only one.
If you're not struggling, great!! Fantastic! But please realize
that others are.
If you are struggling, know that you are not alone. Keep
fighting and keep smiling, even if it's hard.
Do something every day; maybe it's going to work, or for a walk, maybe it's simply
getting out of bed. What takes no effort
for someone, may take all the effort they have for someone else. Don't let that
stop you. Do what you can, make no apologies and don't buy into the negativity.
Know your limits, but don't limit yourself.
#AKF
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