The day
God wanted in, and I called the cops.
A few years ago, late,
late at night, maybe 1 am or there abouts, there was a tapping on my door.
I was half asleep and my
TV was on, so I didn't hear it at first. It got louder, but it didn't grab my
attention until it became banging.
Someone was trying to break in!!
Frightened, I threw on
the first thing I snagged and grabbed
the best weapon I could find; not my baseball bat, not my ski poll, not a
knife... my TV remote!!
I approached the door.
The pounding was persistent and I could see the door warp with each blow.
I was shaking, but I had
my trusty remote in hand. "Who's There?" I screamed.
The reply came booming
through the walls and door.
"GOD!"
I was startled, and more
than a little confused, so I asked for clarification.
"What do you
want?" I shouted.
Again a reply boomed.
"To come in."
Perhaps I was too
frightened and confused and still a bit groggy, but I felt sure, if it was God,
he wouldn't need to pound the door down to get in. Surely he was all-powerful
and could simply unlock and open the door, or perhaps pass right through it. I
felt I needed to confirm his identity.
So, still confused, and
hoping for clarity I shouted again "Who are you?"
Again, he repeated his
original answer. "It's God."
Confounding my confusion
I shouted again, " And what do you want?"
Now frustrated, he
replied with angst "To come in..."
I shook my head and
regarded my TV remote; it wouldn't be much help against any mortal being, much
less God Himself.
I considered the time and,
realizing I had on only an ill-fitting robe, I decided to refuse the Lord entrance
to my house at what seemed to a very ungodly hour.
I shouted again, with authority.
"I'm calling the cops!"
God seemed very confused
and answered back in a some-what meeker voice "What...?"
I stood firm, if still shaking,
and shouted back "I'm Calling the Cops!!"
God seemed very dejected
and dissuaded at this point and promptly left my stoop.
I did call the cop. They
showed up soon after. They patrolled the area and filled out a report.
They didn't find God.
Nothing more really came
of it.
My poor door had a few
new cracks in the frame, but I was able to patch it up and reinforce the area
with a brass plate.
God has not returned since
then.
True Story.
In retrospect, he may
have said his name was Rod, or maybe Todd, and he was probably a drunken college
student at the wrong address, just looking to go to bed.
